Long Island - My First Blog
Living invisible isn’t always easy but that’s why I am here writing today. This coming August 17th I’ll be turning 32 and to me that’s scary but also a huge accomplishment. After being miss-diagnosed 11 years ago my fight has been hard, shocking, scary but most of all strong. Because I do not give up.
When I was 18, I was in a so I thought lovely relationship, which turned out to become abusive both mentally and physically. I was confided to my room and only able to do what I was told I could do. The whole time I had to hide from my family and many friends, covering my bruises with foundation if I moved out of my room which caused me to think of what I really want to do in life. I wanted to model and show the world you can be you no matter what or who tries to take you down, cure or no cure. I am living proof that you can do what you want to do if you put your mind to it. The struggles I faced and still face help me realize I deserve a life worth living full of love and good vibes. I cannot thank my mother, father, best friends and of course my hero and friend Kris for giving me the courage to stand up for myself and walk away; for making sure I kept my spirits high and never stopped fighting for what I believe in – including self-love. Without them I probably wouldn’t be here to type this today. I wanted to give up. During this time frame my aunt was murdered by her fiancé, the news you don’t want to turn on and say oh that’s my family, happened to my family. My angel was the major key in making me realize I NEEDED to leave my situation.
When I say I’m blessed, I truly am. My parents are beyond supportive of everything I chose to do or not do, they always have my back and my best interest in mind; when I was younger I’m sure I didn't really look at it that way but I’m glad I can see them they way I do now. I love them more than words can ever explain I'll never be able to repay them for all they do. Along with my best friend and the person who has my whole heart Evan; I'm not sure what life would be like without him and I never want to know. We're always there for each other big issues or small; smiles, laughs and cries. People always say it's rare to find an amazing best friend and love in one but I guess the word rare really relates to my life more than I thought, I'm super rare for having such an amazing soul in my life who I also cant thank enough for always being there; I love him more than words can explain as well, It's a bond that can never be broken and I feel bad for people who don't have a best friend/other half like I do.
The doctors have confirmed that due to the abuse I faced it caused my throat muscle to lose half of its function, which we now believe to be nerve damage (a way better diagnosis to have then what was originally given to me) in turn I can not swallow food or liquids properly. It’s a fight for a healthy life, a fight for normal nutrition and I am beyond blessed to be working with a new Doctor, Dr. David Gentile who is all on board for natural medicines and IV every few weeks. I have been improving even though this is not a cure…. Yet! I can't wait until the day we find a better fix so I can continue my passion of traveling further then just The USA and Tropical Islands nearby. I want life, I miss me but I know inside I will always be fighting for that.
Since I was told years ago I can’t work a "9-5 desk job” I was more than happy... unlike most that would get this news. Sure, I was crushed that my dreams of being a psychiatrist who would prescribe medicine properly unlike it was done to me, were crushed after having to medically withdraw from my last week of my last college class; but I wanted to be creative, I want to model and show girls all over the world to be themselves and love who they are. I want to be the photographer and photo journalist that I am. It’s my world and sometimes an illness comes with a blessing in disguise, plus I can finish my schooling from home now!
Some days are much harder then others especially with the anxiety brought on by swallowing issues and being stressed out along with having horrible anxiety to begin with, but I learned that sitting around doing nothing is just wasting life. I love being able to travel like I do, I plan to more even if I can’t quite make it overseas yet due to the flight duration’s and my strict medicine schedule for dinner time and before bed at 3 to 4am. I can’t thank my mom enough for making everything I dream of doing possible. She gets me to many of my photo shoots and many of my jobs as a photographer when I am unable to drive the long duration’s. It’s such a heartwarming feeling that people care about my health and setbacks while supporting my independent work style.
Fast forward to now, I’m living on Long Island, NY even though I wish I could relocate to Nashville… one day I will but my focus is on my health and well-being. The ocean breeze and waves crashing along the south shore beaches keep me smiling when I’m home. Being on the road is a second home to me and I can’t explain how blessed I am to have these experiences.
Anxiety makes life difficult but somehow I try to push through it as much as I can. I wish it were as easy as some say "just don’t worry about it" although it's not that easy if it were I would turn the anxiety switch off. It has an impact on my life 24 hours a day 365 days a year. Having people who understand what you're going through help make it a bit easier and also having people who are just there for you help as well even if they don't understand it. Everyone is different though, anxiety comes in all shapes and forms. You over think and can't stop the feeling, you feel like an annoying pest to every one of your friends, you feel lost without a clue on what to do. Just remember you are NEVER alone.
I love that I work with amazing photographers in which some I call good friends, and I just hope they all know how much our work means to me because in that moment I am proving to the world I will not let an invisible illness stop me.
The last several months have been a struggle for me in general between winter blues and not being able to escape my room because I had bad luck and caught a cold almost every other week but there was one shoot that stands out to me, mostly because I haven’t felt like myself in such a long time besides that day. My photographer and good friend Jake (JakesVisuals) was visiting NYC and I decided to show him around the island beaches for a shoot. It was the best choice I made despite we had to pray he got off at the right train station with a dead cell phone, but we did it! (as I had ready a portable charger for him knowing he would need it heh) I hadn’t drove to the beach in over 6 months due to my anxiety; but as I picked him up from the LIRR we headed straight to the beach with some awesome bops playing on the radio. I started to feel like me again. We ran around the beach and the Fire Island Lighthouse for an hour and I can say it was one of the best days I have had so far. It’s about good vibes from people and Jake radiates those vibes, I’m sure anyone that knows him would agree on that! Yes of course we got great photos in which you can see all over my social media and on my website, but I also had a great day hanging with someone who reminds me it’s ok to be me. Yes of course that includes breaking it down dancing like I can (even though I can’t) Thank you for pulling me out of a dark spot and depression even if you didn’t know it. These are the friendships I value most. Near or far people and their actions always mean a lot to me.
My blogs may be a different style then others for now until I’m back on the road traveling but that’s ok, and I can’t wait to share more stories about my shoots with other photographer friends to come.
Thank y’all for reading and being along for the ride of my journey.
xoxo - Angela